The 3rd alternative: the principle, paradigm, and process of synergy

The 3rd alternative: the principle, paradigm, and process of synergy
by Stephen Covey

Traditional thinking -- your way or my way => conflict or compromise=>time and energy wasted in arguments=>settle at outcome neither party is happy with

Why not try a 3rd alternative way => design a better way => cooperation and both get their way

Always look for the alternative way. If you don't look, you won't know it's there.

## Make sure you are the one who writes your story and not let circumstances and others write your life story for you ##
-- Always ask : " who is writing the script?"


Paradigm 1 -- I see myself (as oppose to I belong to my "side")
--> "seeing" myself as a unique human being capable of independent judgement and action; I "think" about what I think and challenge my own assumptions as well as other people's--> {self-audit --> self control (stop the auto-response)-->act, not react}

** identity theft -- get swallowed up in other people's definitions of you

Paradigm 2 -- I see you (as a unique person with potential, strength, worth) as oppose to "your kind" (stereotyping)
--> "seeing" you as a unique person allows me to genuinely "respect" you and your thoughts

Carl Rogers, in A Way of Being : one of the most satisfying feelings I know ... comes from my experiencing an individual in the same way that I appreciate a sunset. People are just as wonderful as sunsets if I can let them be. In fact, perhaps the reason we can truly appreciate a sunset is that we cannot control it. When I look at a sunset as I did the other evening, I don't find myself saying, "soften the orange a little on the right hand corner, and put a bit more purple along the base, and a little more pink in the cloud colour." I don't do that. I don't try to control a sunset. I watch it with awe as it unfolds.

Paradigm 3 -- I seek you out (as in deliberately seeking out conflicting views instead of avoiding or defending yourself against them)
--> "see" other views as different slices of truth so that you put in effort to "listen" and "explore" and "understand" those views.

Talking stick -- whoever holds the Talking stick has within his hands the sacred power of words only he can speak while he holds the stick. The eagle feather tied to the Talking stick gives him the courage and wisdom to speak truthfully and wisely. The rabbit fur on the end of the stick reminds him that his words must come from the heart and the they must be soft and warm. The blue stone will remind him that the Great Spirit hears the message of his heart as well as the words he speaks. The shell, iridescent and ever changing, reminds him that all creation changes - the days, seasons, years - and people and situation change, too. The four colour beads are symbolic of the power of the universe he has in his hands at he moment to speak what is in his heart. Attached to the stick are strands of hair from the great buffalo. He who speaks may do so with the power and strength of this great animal. --- Carol Locus in the Talking Stick

Empathy:
- go to the other side and say, "you see things differently. I need to listen to you."
- pay the price to understand. Give you full attention. Don't multitask while you're listening. Don't judge, evaluate, analyze, advice, etc. The speakers don't need you to be on their side. Just your positive regard for them.
- be quiet.
- speak only to keep the flow going
- pay close attention to emotions. Affirm feelings. "oh, you must feel .... about this."
- be ready to learn
- be sure you really understand
- show some gratitude

Paradigm 4: I synergize with you

To achieve synergy, we need proper mind-set and proper skills.

=>The proper mind set -- never oppose someone else's beliefs or ideas; look to learn about what they are thinking

=>The proper skill -- 4 steps (ask, define, create, arrive)
i. Ask to develop a new and better solution
I must not think of myself as the only owner of logic, objectivity and wisdom
I am not asking someone else to give in, give up
I am suggesting that there could be better solutions that address both our needs and that I am asking for permission to explore together

ii. Define what the better solution should encompass
As many ideas from as many people as early as possible
It's not about fairness (who gets what and who gets more) but synergy (we all get more from the 3rd alternative than what the original options provide)

iii. Create alternatives based on the criteria
"Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought" -- Albert Szent-Györgyi, Nobel prize winner
No idea is dumb or crazy enough not to be tabled.
Avoid judging and closure. Add on to ideas. Develop the ideas, reverse them.
"If at first the idea is not absurd, then it has no hope for it" -- Albert Einstein

iv. Arrive in the synergized 3rd alternative
You know when you arrive in the 3rd alternative when the bickering stops and excitements are felt in the room.


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