The Art of Communicating by Thich Ngah Hanh

The Art of Communicating by Thich Ngah Hanh

1. Essential food --

~ Thru' eating, hearing, seeing, thinking, what are we nourishing ourselves with?

~ When talk and act, what are we feeding our families and friends with?


2. Communicating with yourself

~ Mindful awareness. Communicate with yourself first before communicating with others

~ Pay attention to : breathing, sitting, walking, eating ... When you pay attention, you are at present and are free from other thoughts.

~ Anything we say or do based on perception can be dangerous -- the paths linking talking and thinking should be cut off

~ Mindful breathing is a practice of nontalking and nonthinking, this practice helps us listen to ourselves.


3. The keys to communicating with others

~ There is a Buddha inside each of us

~ 2 keys to effective and true communication -- Deep Listening & Loving Speech

3.1 Listening with compassion

- Listen only to help the other person suffer less. You don't blame or judge.

- When other person don't know how to handle their suffering, they become its victim. If you imbibe their judgement, fear, and anger, you become its second victim.

3.2 Speak Right

~ What you say should convey only compassion and understanding. Use the Right Speech in the Right Way.

~ Use words that express
- non discrimination
- forgiveness
- understanding
- support
- love

3.2.1 What is Right speech?
- Tell the truth
- Don't exaggerate
- Be consistent
- Use peaceful language

3.2.2 What is Right way?
- Speak the language of the world
- Speak differently to different people, in a way that reflects how they think and their ability to receive the teaching
- Give the right teaching according to person, time, place ....
- Teach in a way to reflect the absolute truth


4. The 6 mantras of loving speech

4.1 "I am here for you"

~ You must be Here for yourself before you can be Here for others. Use mindfulness to bring you Home to yourself.

4.2 "I know you are Here, and I am very happy"

~ Imagine the person you are with is not here anymore, either moved far away or passed on, you will feel a big void -- now, feel the importance of acknowledging the presence of the person and that the person feels your acknowledgment that she is here.

4.3 "I know you suffer, and that is why I am here for you"

~ Through mindfulness you feel the suffering of the other person; via mindfulness you helped lessen the suffering of the other person.

4.4 "I suffer, please help"

~ Our tendency is to blame the other person for our suffering and we want to punish him and show him that we can survive without him.

~ What will work is to say the mantra.
-- "I suffer and I want you to know"
-- "I am doing my best" (practicing mindful breathing etc)
-- "Please help"

4.5 "This is a happy moment"

4.6 "You are partly right"

~ We all have good and bad seeds in us. No one is 100% good or bad. When we understand this, we can accept ourselves and others.


5. When difficulties arise

~ Mindful of your own suffering and you will have compassion to deal with others

~ Change yourself and not wait for others to change.

~ Listen and don't interrupt even though you think the others are mistaken. Calm yourself first before slowly helping the other to understand their mistakes

~ Deep listening plus loving speech


6. Mindful Communication at Work

"Words can travel thousands of miles. May my words create mutual understanding and love. May they be as beautiful as gems, as lovely as flowers"


7. Creating community in the World

~ Communication, community ---> communicare --> impart, share, make common


8. Our Communication is our continuation

~ Our communication is not neutral. Every time we communicate, we either produce more compassion, love and harmony or we produce more suffering and violence.

~ Our communication is what we put into the world and what remains after we have left it.

~ Throughout our day, we produce energies of thought, speech, and action. We're communicating in every moment, either with ourselves or with others.

~ You are your action (thinking, talking, doing)
@Thinking is the first kind of action, it is the basis of how we affect the world.
@Speech, the second form of action, can heal and liberate, or it can cause destruction and pain.
@Bodily action is the 3rd form of action -- eg, body languages like clenched fists or open arms; or larger actions like what we do with our day, how we treat others, what you chose to show up for.

~ Jean Paul Sartre : "Man is the sum of all his actions".

~ "If we have bad thoughts, we must prevent them from becoming speech or action ; if we have good thoughts, we must translate them into loving speech and kind actions. " -- HCM


9. Practices for Compassionate Communication

9.1 Attention bell
- regular reminder on mindful breathing

9.2 Drinking tea in mindfulness
- don't multitask

9.3 Listening to your inner child
- we all have a wounded child (our ancestors embedded) within us that needs our care and love

9.4 Writing a love letter
- transforming compassionate thoughts into positive action

9.5 Peace treaties and Peace notes
-- dealing with negative thoughts and not letting them become negative actions

9.6 Beginning Anew
- reboot
- formal process
(a) watering flowers
(b) expressing regrets
(c) expressing hurts

9.7 The cake is in the Fridge
- a non-judgemental way out of a dangerous situation --> by suggesting a cake in the fridge (or something of similar nature), it allows the two parties to temporary stop arguing and be separated so that each can do mindful breathing

9.8 Hugging meditation
- hugging with mindfulness and concentration can bring reconciliation