crucial conversations - book summary

Crucial conversations
by Kerry Patterson, Joseph grenny, ron mcmillan, and al switzler

1. what's a crucial conversation?
a. opinion varies
b. stakes are high
c. emotions run strong

we are designed wrong. when conversations turn from routine to
crucial, we are genetically shaped to "fight (violence) or flight
(silence), and not towards intelligent persuasion and gentle
attentiveness

Our Path to Action
See/hear-->tell story-->feel-->act

it's important to know that relying on our default mode will not lead
us to conduct fruitful crucial conversation.

we need to purposefully work on the following:

**How to find a way to get all relevant information (all parties
involved) out into the open? before we cast our story in stone

-- people must feel safe to air their views and tell their stories
-- as the pool of views/opinions/histories grow, the team will have
more accurate data to make their decision with

Work on ME first
-- remember that the only person u can directly control is yourself

Focus on what u REALLY want
-- when u find yourself moving towards silence or violence, stop and
pay attention to your motives.
a. ask yourself: what does my behaviour tell me about what my motives
are?
b. what do I want for me and others?
c. how would I behave if this were what I really wanted?

Refuse the SUCKER'S choice
-- notice when u start talking yourself into a Sucker's choice.
-- search for AND and not settle for OR
-- chosing between A or B keep us stuck in ineffective strategies,
kept us from finding and designing a better solution
-- clarify what u really want; and what u really don't want, then
think about how u want to talk about or resolve the situation

Dialogue killer:
1. wanting to win
2. seeking revenge
3. hoping to remain safe

Learn to LOOK
(1) at content and conditions.
- dual processing, observe what's happening
(2) for when things become crucial.
- watch for physical signs, emotions, behavioural signals
(3) to watch for safety problems
- observe if others start to feel unsafe and begin to withdraw from
healthy dialogue (forcing opinion or not adding ideas to the pool). u
can only take in feedback when u feel safe, others too! u will give
opinion only if u feel safe doing so, others too!
* pull yourself away from conversation temporary to reengineer your
brain (away from fear) so u can have your full vision back

(4) to see if others are moving towards silence or violence
> forms of silence --> (a) masking (understating, sarcasm,
sugarcoating) (b) avoiding (c) withdrawing

> forms of violence --> (a) name calling (b) monologuing (c) making
threats (d) controlling (e) labeling (f) attacking

(5) for outbreaks of your Style Under Stress (are u the silent type or
the violent type??)

** most difficult element to watch is your own behaviour

HOW to make it safe?
* don't stay stuck in what's being said
* notice that u and/or the other party are feeling unsafe and are
reacting either thru' Silence or Violence mode
* ask yourself these:
(1)do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation?
(2)do they trust my motives?
(3) what do I want for me? and for others?
(4) what do I want for the relationship?
* Look for mutuality
-- mutual respect ( do others believe I respect them?)
-- can u respect people u don't respect? (do u want people to respect
U even if they don't?)

How to rebuild mutual respect/purpose?

- apologize --> when u have made mistakes. sincerely and no ifs and
buts and try to assign some blame to others

- contrast --> this is NOT apologizing. it is a way of ensuring what
we've said didn't hurt more than it should have. it's putting things
in perspective

- CRIB (when u don't have mutual purposes)
* NEED to build mutuality by CRIB - commit, recognize, invent,
brainstorm
> commit to stay in the discussion until a solution is found
> recognize that what we are asking for and what we want are not
necessary the same (eg. going out for a movie versus spending time
with spouse away from kids)
> invent a mutual purpose to get a dialogue. see how a tricky
situation can be put in perspective versus the mutual purpose
> brainstorm new strategies based on the mutual purpose

**if strong emotions are keeping u stuck in silence or violence, try
this::

- Retrace your path
- Notice your behaviour

** YOU make u mad
** YOU and only YOU create your emotion
** Once emotions are created, you can either (1) act on them, or (2)
be acted on by them

ask yourself these questions:
> am I in some form of silence or violence mode??
> what emotions are encouraging me to act this way?? (expand your
emotion vocabuary)
> what story are u playing?? is it the right story??
-- 3 most common clever stories
(a) victim stories --> not my fault;
(b) villain stories --> all your fault;
(c) helpless stories --> there's nothing else I can do
** clever stories have one common characteristics --> they are
incomplete. they left out info about us, others, our options

> what evidence do I have to support the story??
(looking for alternate stories)
> am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem??
(turning victims into player)
> why would a reasonable person do this??
(turning villain into human)
> what do I really want??
(move away from the story)
> what would I do right now if I really wanted these results??
(focus on positive outcome)

@ in order to speak honestly when honesty could easily offend others,
we need to find a way to maintain safety.
we need to carefully blend 3 ingredients ---
(1) confidence (to speak freely and honestly to the right person),
(2) humility (open to others input and be ready to change your view
based on new information), and
(3) skill (create alternate routes and do not make Sucker's choice)

5 skills of talking
-- express confidence by sharing facts and telling stories clearly;
demonstrate humility by asking others to share their views.

1. share your facts
begin your path with facts as facts are the least controversial and
least insulting.

*Earn the right to share your story by starting with facts*

2. tell your story
-- it takes confidence; don't exaggerate with adjectives; look for
safety problems; use contrasting but watch out not to water down your
message

3. ask for others' paths
- encourage sharing of views by making it safe for others to speak
their mind
- be prepared to reshape your story as more information pours in

4. talk tentatively
tell your story as a story and not as a fact. strike a blend between
confidence and humility. soften the message without watering it down.
tentative but not wimpy. don't apologize if u are not apologizing.

5. encourage testing
(do u see it differently???)

- to be able to test out the accuracy of your views, u need to have
others contribute meanings into the pool
- this is especially crucial when people are of the silent type

^^The danger of Strong belief
-- we KNOW we are right and we WANT to push the idea to others
--> others have other opinions
--> we push our idea harder and harder
--> others feel unsafe and start to either becoming "silent" or
"violent"
--> no new info into pool of shared meaning
# the problem is we started with a story (not facts) and we so believe
in our story we do not see need for new meanings. we own the pool. we
need to protect the pool.#
=== you need to catch yourself from launching into monologue, pushing
your idea too hard, step back and ask yourself what do u want for
yourself, others, and the relationship. then ask yourself if your
behaviour will get the results. use your STATE skills.***

When it comes to our strongest views, passion can be our enemy.

<HOW to listen when others blow up or clam up??>

--- explore their paths, with an attitude of sincerity, curiosity and
patience ---

-You need to restore safety
-Then, encourage others to retrace their paths

Four listening tools, AMPP
1. Ask -- to get things rolling
(eg. how are things at work?)

2. Mirror -- to confirm feelings
(eg. really? it does not look it as you seem to be distracted lately)

3. Paraphrase -- to acknowledge the story
(eg. let's see if I've got this right. you're upset because ....)

* the key to mirroring and paraphrasing is to remain calm and
collected* and *don't push too hard*

4. Prime -- to extract further when others are not sharing but u think
they might do so if u provide a little nudge

** trying to understand others paths does not mean agreeing, although
u might get enough info to make u change your mind about your path **

Remember your ABC when you response to new info

- Agree, when you agree. don't let small details stop u from agreeing

- Build, on area of agreement. add to it elements that were left out

- Compare, your path to others' if u disagree. Use STATE skills to
share your path with facts and story tentatively and invite testing

## HOW to turn crucial conversations into action and results ##

the two riskiest times in crucial conversations tend to be at the
beginning and at the end.

-- screw up at the beginning, no proper dialogue.

-- screw up at the end, violated expectations as people have different
views of how decision is to be made

** Dialogue is NOT decision making **

- when line of authority is clear
relatively straight forward

- when line of authority isn't clear
the dialogue should then be turned towards deciding on "who does what
and when"

--> command - others have no input
* give flexibility when possible, explain why

--> consult - others are invited to give input before decision is made
by u
* don't pretend to consult * announce what u are doing * report your
decision

--> vote - time saving but not everyone will get their first choice
* weigh the consequence as there will be winners and losers using vote
* are people ready to vote? too tired to talk? given up on finding
best solution? chose the right time to vote

--> consensus - talk till everyone agree
* don't pretend everyone will get their first choice* don't take turn
* no martyrs please *

Four important questions:
1. who cares? about making the decision
2. who knows? about the issue who has the expertise
3. who must agree? for the action to be carried out properly
4. how many people needs to be involved?

Decision to Action

WHO does WHAT and by WHEN? HOW will u follow up?

* Write the action plan down *

# Two levers *
--> learn to look -- continually ask yourself if u are in or out of
dialogue, in silence or violent mode, and how u can get yourself back
into dialogue

--> make it safe -- try to get others back to the dialogue

www.crucialconversations.com

The road not taken

The road not taken by Robert Frost

two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
and sorry I could not travel both
and be one traveller, long I stood
and looked down one as far as I could
to where it bent in the undergrowth; ...

I shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less travelled by,
and that has made all the difference.

mindless eating

Mindless eating by brian wansink

strategies :

1. think 20% more or less -- too big a gap your brain/body/emotion
will know. need to fool them so u can stealth into losing weight. if u
felt deprieved or required huge efforts, less likely u can sustain
beyond the initial short term success

2. see all u eat -- don't trust your stomach, trust your eyes
preplate your meal so u know what and how much you will be eating;
keep empty wine/drinks bottles on table so u can see what u have downed

3. be your own tablescaper -- (a) mini-size your boxes and bowls; (b)
tall glass versus short-wide ones; (c) less varieties

4. make overeating a hassle, not a habit -- (a) leave serving dishes
in the kitchen (b) de-convenience tempting food (c) snack only at the
table and on a clean plate

5. rescript eating habits -- (a) start later so u won't have to keep
eating while waiting for eating companion to finish (b) eat with light
eater so u will be anchored to eat less (c) manly man eating more to
"show off" (d) watch more TV, eat more. eat while watching TV, eat too
long, not knowing how much u have eaten.

6. create expectation (name game) -- (a) add words like "traditional",
"Cajun", "succulent", "homemade" and the food instantly taste better
(b) use the right dishes, lighting, glasses

7. make comfort food more comforting -- (a) don't deprive yourself but
use small doses (b) rewire your comfort foods but pairing comfort
foods with healthy foods. this will give healthy foods a good boost of
their status and slowly creep into your comfort food list
-- comfort food myths -> they are unhealthy; eaten when sad, stressed
or bored; preference fixed in childhood

8. crown yourself as official gatekeeper -- (a) be a good marketer.
fresh, crunchy, refreshing food that make u strong, smart ... (b)
offer variety (c) half-plate rule. green the other half (c) official
serving sizes

9. portion size -- (a) beware of health halo. eating too much healthy
food still gain u weight (b) think small or share

Reengineering your food environment

negative mindlessness overeating --->
minfulness reengineering ---->
positive mindlessness better eating

Food trade-offs -- eg. eat cake if jog for 5km, eat dessert if no chips,

Food policies -- eg. no carbs, no seconds,

Mindless margin -- 100-200 calorie changes in daily intake

Mindless better eating -- start small good eating habits (3 habits
will do to avoid overloading) and persist for a month

The best diet is the one u don't know u are on.

Diet danger zones
- meal stuffer --> design to slow down pace; smaller plates; excess
food put of sight; leave food behind; half plate rule

- snack grazer --> do not stock snacks; substitude snacks; only eat at
table; out of sight; not to eat from package

- party binger ---> two items in plate; stay far from buffet tables;
when in conversation put down plates;

- restaurant indulger ---> pick any 2 from appetizer/drink/dessert;
keep bread basket away; prewrap half your entree to take home; start
to eat last and set fork down after every bite

- desktop diner ---> brown bag in; food trade-offs;

meditation

Meditation: the first and last freedom
by Osho

- meditation is when u become the watcher and not the doer

- u are in the centre of a cyclone, absolutely unclouded, undisturbed

- be your own Watchman, watch after yourself

- what u watch is not the point; the object (you) is the point

- the quality of the observation, of being aware and alert, is
meditation

- love born out of meditation is true
- love born out of mind is not sustainable

- joy out of no reason cannot be disturbed

- meditation destroys all the barriers that the society has created to
prevent u from being intelligent

- an inside journey is a journey toward absolute aloneness; u can't
take anybody there with u

- how many minutes a day do u allocate for your SELF?

- key to meditation :
relax, watchfulness, non-judgemental

- do not confuse impatience with thirst. with thirst there is yearning
but no struggle; with impatience, the reverse

- unawareness is important. it is a state of rest

- no matter what u experience during meditation, u are just an
observer. you are not it. when the observer becomes the observed, u
have arrived

- the awakened mind has no experiences at all. only sleeping mind has
experiences

- 2 difficulties to meditation : (1) ego (2) constant chattering mind

- if u are 'successful', your ego grows bigger and becomes a hindrance
for u to know yourself

- if u are not successful, your ego is wounded and u can't face yourself

- the slippery slope : mine--> me --> you --> I

- all experiences are just trick of the mind, they are escapes.
meditation is a stopping of all experience.

sunrise

alone on the highway,
driving home after dropping Ashley at school,
what fantastic view infront of me,
the glorious sunrise.

not the sun,
but the clouds;
light red, emerging pink,
staining the white clouds.
spreading, spreading,

no one to show to,
no word to describe.
nothing come to mind,
joyous feeling arise.
not sure if it's from the sight.

nirvana?
oops!
I have just spoilt the sunrise.

ego

stop!
no more clapping
no ...
help!
the sound so deafening
yet so sweet
more please?
feel that sensation
of the ego growing with each clap

the artist's way

>

> the artist's way by julia cameron
>
> learn to call things by the right names
> do not call the inability to start laziness. call it fear.
>
> artist date -- block out 2 hours a week to take your inner artist
> out for a date. allow no interlopers
>
> writing goes much better when we don't work at it so much, when we
> give ourselves permission to just hang out on the page. don't try
> to write too carefully.
>
> we all have time to write. we have time to write the minute we are
> willing to write badly. the obsession with time is really an
> obsession with perfection. write with love, not with a net
> underneath to protect u.
>
> art is not putting something up but putting something down.書下
> ろし.
>
> wanting to know where we are going is often how we fail to go
> anywhere at all
>
> anything worth doing is worth doing badly. once we accept this, our
> options widen.
>
> the unexamined life is not worth living, the unlived life is not
> worth examining
>
> most of us are practiced at taking ourselves out of risk.
>
> connect to a world outside of us, so as to lose the obsessive self-
> focus of self-exploration.
>
> we must be vigilant. we must be alert. we cannot control everyone
> around us, but we can learn whose company is good for us and whose
> company causes us to shrivel and shrink.
>
> more good stuff are destroyed by bad criticism than bad stuff helped
> by good criticism
>
> part of husbanding our talent lies in finding those who are generous
> enough to reflect us back as talented
>
> daily writing, writing simply for the sake of writing, is like
> keeping a pot of soup on the back of the stove: always there ready
> to be tasted, to be added to, nourishing, savory, life-sustaining.
> honesty, observation and imagination are the three ingredients.
>
> hatching an idea is like baking bread. need time to rise. poke too
> much, check too much at the beginning and it will not rise
>
> life is non-linear; leap, the next net will appear
>
> the trick is setting the jumps low enough that our internal artist
> (or child) can be lured into action, into cooperation.
>
> each day must remain an exploratory expedition. we must remain
> tourists on our home terrain
>
> observed closely enough, all of life is interesting. small moments
> have large impact. when we practice the art of close observation, we
> gain an emotional palette that has more shades, more possibilities,
> than the screaming extremes of black and white headlines declaring
> catastrophe and crisis.
>
> Allow errors. they will reveal as insights later.
>
> complete the following sentence : If I don't have to do it
> perfectly, I would try ____________.
>
> if we are engaged in making something new, we are less invested in
> the reception of something old.
>
> most of the time when we are blocked in an area of our life, it is
> because we feel safe that way. we may not be happy but we know what
> we are -- unhappy.
>
> we become frightened when we have "big decision" to make. we must
> train ourselves to think small. inch ahead in small steps, making
> small decisions.
>
> when we r unable to work, we can work at the work of getting ready
> to work.
>
> as an artist, we wish we could always work well. but, "well" we
> can't control. we do have control of " always". we keep working on
> our art and let the well appear as it happens.
>
> it is so easy to rush ahead into fear and panic. it is so easy to
> miss the beauty that awaits us in the here and now.
>
> so much of life is like taking a photograph. we must pause to catch
> the moment and savour our delight.
>
> real artists make art. if u are making art, u are a real artist.
> over time, u may become a better one, more skilled in your craft.
>
> we r stucked not because lack of ideas. it's because we have too
> many ideas. the ideas get stucked trying to get out. we need to
> extract them slowly and gently
>
> routinely create art: write, draw, paint, anything. do not wait for
> the moment of creative insight. u have to keep doing.
>
> jealously is always a mask for fear. as a root, jealousy is a
> stingy emotion.
>
> creativity flourishes when we have a sense of safety and self-
> acceptance
>
> centre stage belongs to people who are willing to move there
>
> writing to ourselves, we r taking notes as to the notes we are
> playing. we r hearing ourselves as we sing our song. we r
> instrumental in our own change, not merely players but conductors/
> composers as well
>
> start with being nice to yourself. when we place ourselves too low
> in the pecking order, we feel henpacked and we feel peckish. when we
> undervalue ourselves, we bury ourselves in lives not our own.
> meeting the expectations of others, we may misplace our own values.
> violating our true selves, we soon feel worthless and undeserving.
> when we are what we truly are and say what we truly mean, we stop
> shouldering the responsibility for everyone else's shortfalls and
> become accountable to ourselves.
>
> the phrase "it would take a miracle" is often used to refuse
> inviting one
> if we do not act in the direction of our dream, we are only dreaming
>
> when we shift our inner statement from 'i'd love to' to 'i am going
> to', we shift out of victim to adventurer
>
> when we surrender to becoming what we are meant to be instead of
> trying to convince the world of who we think we are, we find our
> proper shoes and can walk in them comfortably.
>
> how do we know how large we can be if we do not know how large we are?
>
> creativity requires activity.
> take small daily action instead of indulging in the big question
>
> artificial acceptance of people and circumstances we resent makes us
> ill tempered. a little honest self-love does wonders
>
> it is all too easy for our life to be dictated to us by others. we
> can so easily wait to be chosen. such passivity invites despair.
>
> a daily habit cures proscrastination
>
> when we are focused on the possible, we are able to ignore the
> probable. the odds of publishing a novel are a hell of a lot higher
> if u have written a novel.
>
> when we are rejected, we must ask, "what next?", and not, "why me?"
>
> the ego hates to rest. we must serve our souls, not our egos. our
> souls need rest. so often we try to gird ourselves to face a harsh
> and difficult world when we might instead gentle both ourselves and
> our world just by slowing down.
>
> fear asks that we check something for clarity. fear requires action,
> not assurance.
>
> life is made of small sweetnesses, and they come to us when we are
> willing to be little, instead of big.
>
> in times of pain, when future is terrifying to contemplate and past
> painful to remember, NOW is a good place to be. each moment, taken
> alone, was always bearable.
>
> when faced with a loss, immediately take one small action to support
> your artist. like a small child, out artist needs mommying.
>
>
>