by Kerry Patterson, Joseph grenny, ron mcmillan, and al switzler
1. what's a crucial conversation?
a. opinion varies
b. stakes are high
c. emotions run strong
we are designed wrong. when conversations turn from routine to
crucial, we are genetically shaped to "fight (violence) or flight
(silence), and not towards intelligent persuasion and gentle
attentiveness
Our Path to Action
See/hear-->tell story-->feel-->act
it's important to know that relying on our default mode will not lead
us to conduct fruitful crucial conversation.
we need to purposefully work on the following:
**How to find a way to get all relevant information (all parties
involved) out into the open? before we cast our story in stone
-- people must feel safe to air their views and tell their stories
-- as the pool of views/opinions/histories grow, the team will have
more accurate data to make their decision with
Work on ME first
-- remember that the only person u can directly control is yourself
Focus on what u REALLY want
-- when u find yourself moving towards silence or violence, stop and
pay attention to your motives.
a. ask yourself: what does my behaviour tell me about what my motives
are?
b. what do I want for me and others?
c. how would I behave if this were what I really wanted?
Refuse the SUCKER'S choice
-- notice when u start talking yourself into a Sucker's choice.
-- search for AND and not settle for OR
-- chosing between A or B keep us stuck in ineffective strategies,
kept us from finding and designing a better solution
-- clarify what u really want; and what u really don't want, then
think about how u want to talk about or resolve the situation
Dialogue killer:
1. wanting to win
2. seeking revenge
3. hoping to remain safe
Learn to LOOK
(1) at content and conditions.
- dual processing, observe what's happening
(2) for when things become crucial.
- watch for physical signs, emotions, behavioural signals
(3) to watch for safety problems
- observe if others start to feel unsafe and begin to withdraw from
healthy dialogue (forcing opinion or not adding ideas to the pool). u
can only take in feedback when u feel safe, others too! u will give
opinion only if u feel safe doing so, others too!
* pull yourself away from conversation temporary to reengineer your
brain (away from fear) so u can have your full vision back
(4) to see if others are moving towards silence or violence
> forms of silence --> (a) masking (understating, sarcasm,
sugarcoating) (b) avoiding (c) withdrawing
> forms of violence --> (a) name calling (b) monologuing (c) making
threats (d) controlling (e) labeling (f) attacking
(5) for outbreaks of your Style Under Stress (are u the silent type or
the violent type??)
** most difficult element to watch is your own behaviour
HOW to make it safe?
* don't stay stuck in what's being said
* notice that u and/or the other party are feeling unsafe and are
reacting either thru' Silence or Violence mode
* ask yourself these:
(1)do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation?
(2)do they trust my motives?
(3) what do I want for me? and for others?
(4) what do I want for the relationship?
* Look for mutuality
-- mutual respect ( do others believe I respect them?)
-- can u respect people u don't respect? (do u want people to respect
U even if they don't?)
How to rebuild mutual respect/purpose?
- apologize --> when u have made mistakes. sincerely and no ifs and
buts and try to assign some blame to others
- contrast --> this is NOT apologizing. it is a way of ensuring what
we've said didn't hurt more than it should have. it's putting things
in perspective
- CRIB (when u don't have mutual purposes)
* NEED to build mutuality by CRIB - commit, recognize, invent,
brainstorm
> commit to stay in the discussion until a solution is found
> recognize that what we are asking for and what we want are not
necessary the same (eg. going out for a movie versus spending time
with spouse away from kids)
> invent a mutual purpose to get a dialogue. see how a tricky
situation can be put in perspective versus the mutual purpose
> brainstorm new strategies based on the mutual purpose
**if strong emotions are keeping u stuck in silence or violence, try
this::
- Retrace your path
- Notice your behaviour
** YOU make u mad
** YOU and only YOU create your emotion
** Once emotions are created, you can either (1) act on them, or (2)
be acted on by them
ask yourself these questions:
> am I in some form of silence or violence mode??
> what emotions are encouraging me to act this way?? (expand your
emotion vocabuary)
> what story are u playing?? is it the right story??
-- 3 most common clever stories
(a) victim stories --> not my fault;
(b) villain stories --> all your fault;
(c) helpless stories --> there's nothing else I can do
** clever stories have one common characteristics --> they are
incomplete. they left out info about us, others, our options
> what evidence do I have to support the story??
(looking for alternate stories)
> am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem??
(turning victims into player)
> why would a reasonable person do this??
(turning villain into human)
> what do I really want??
(move away from the story)
> what would I do right now if I really wanted these results??
(focus on positive outcome)
@ in order to speak honestly when honesty could easily offend others,
we need to find a way to maintain safety.
we need to carefully blend 3 ingredients ---
(1) confidence (to speak freely and honestly to the right person),
(2) humility (open to others input and be ready to change your view
based on new information), and
(3) skill (create alternate routes and do not make Sucker's choice)
5 skills of talking
-- express confidence by sharing facts and telling stories clearly;
demonstrate humility by asking others to share their views.
1. share your facts
begin your path with facts as facts are the least controversial and
least insulting.
*Earn the right to share your story by starting with facts*
2. tell your story
-- it takes confidence; don't exaggerate with adjectives; look for
safety problems; use contrasting but watch out not to water down your
message
3. ask for others' paths
- encourage sharing of views by making it safe for others to speak
their mind
- be prepared to reshape your story as more information pours in
4. talk tentatively
tell your story as a story and not as a fact. strike a blend between
confidence and humility. soften the message without watering it down.
tentative but not wimpy. don't apologize if u are not apologizing.
5. encourage testing
(do u see it differently???)
- to be able to test out the accuracy of your views, u need to have
others contribute meanings into the pool
- this is especially crucial when people are of the silent type
^^The danger of Strong belief
-- we KNOW we are right and we WANT to push the idea to others
--> others have other opinions
--> we push our idea harder and harder
--> others feel unsafe and start to either becoming "silent" or
"violent"
--> no new info into pool of shared meaning
# the problem is we started with a story (not facts) and we so believe
in our story we do not see need for new meanings. we own the pool. we
need to protect the pool.#
=== you need to catch yourself from launching into monologue, pushing
your idea too hard, step back and ask yourself what do u want for
yourself, others, and the relationship. then ask yourself if your
behaviour will get the results. use your STATE skills.***
When it comes to our strongest views, passion can be our enemy.
<HOW to listen when others blow up or clam up??>
--- explore their paths, with an attitude of sincerity, curiosity and
patience ---
-You need to restore safety
-Then, encourage others to retrace their paths
Four listening tools, AMPP
1. Ask -- to get things rolling
(eg. how are things at work?)
2. Mirror -- to confirm feelings
(eg. really? it does not look it as you seem to be distracted lately)
3. Paraphrase -- to acknowledge the story
(eg. let's see if I've got this right. you're upset because ....)
* the key to mirroring and paraphrasing is to remain calm and
collected* and *don't push too hard*
4. Prime -- to extract further when others are not sharing but u think
they might do so if u provide a little nudge
** trying to understand others paths does not mean agreeing, although
u might get enough info to make u change your mind about your path **
Remember your ABC when you response to new info
- Agree, when you agree. don't let small details stop u from agreeing
- Build, on area of agreement. add to it elements that were left out
- Compare, your path to others' if u disagree. Use STATE skills to
share your path with facts and story tentatively and invite testing
## HOW to turn crucial conversations into action and results ##
the two riskiest times in crucial conversations tend to be at the
beginning and at the end.
-- screw up at the beginning, no proper dialogue.
-- screw up at the end, violated expectations as people have different
views of how decision is to be made
** Dialogue is NOT decision making **
- when line of authority is clear
relatively straight forward
- when line of authority isn't clear
the dialogue should then be turned towards deciding on "who does what
and when"
--> command - others have no input
* give flexibility when possible, explain why
--> consult - others are invited to give input before decision is made
by u
* don't pretend to consult * announce what u are doing * report your
decision
--> vote - time saving but not everyone will get their first choice
* weigh the consequence as there will be winners and losers using vote
* are people ready to vote? too tired to talk? given up on finding
best solution? chose the right time to vote
--> consensus - talk till everyone agree
* don't pretend everyone will get their first choice* don't take turn
* no martyrs please *
Four important questions:
1. who cares? about making the decision
2. who knows? about the issue who has the expertise
3. who must agree? for the action to be carried out properly
4. how many people needs to be involved?
Decision to Action
WHO does WHAT and by WHEN? HOW will u follow up?
* Write the action plan down *
# Two levers *
--> learn to look -- continually ask yourself if u are in or out of
dialogue, in silence or violent mode, and how u can get yourself back
into dialogue
--> make it safe -- try to get others back to the dialogue
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