Courage to be disliked by Ichiro Kishimi

Courage to be disliked by Ichiro Kishimi

• we all live in a world we subjectively created
• Adlerian psychology->do not think about past causes, but about present goals
• anger is a tool we use to get what we want, not an uncontrollable reaction
• the question is not "what happened" but "how was it resolved "?
• you can't chose your birth, race, family, etc that can influence you, but you can chose how to live and your lifestyle-> you just need the courage to get out of the "comfort" zone you are in and make the change
• Adele's teleology-> no matter what has occured in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now. You, decide right now how you want to live your life going forward
• all problems are interpersonal relationship problems
• subjective value is the problem as yours is different from others and you depend on others to affirm yours
• feeling of inferiority is good as it pushes us to improve ourselves; inferiority complex is bad as it inhibits us from trying to do things (giving up as we resigned to failure even before trying)
• inferiority complex can lead to superiority complex -> living in past glories, attaches oneself to powerful figure/branded goods
• another form of inferiority complex is bragging of misfortunes-> to get people around them to treat them with special care or see them in the "special light"
• if there is competition at the core of a person's interpersonal relationships, he will not be able to escape interpersonal relationship problems
• competition means others are your enemies; no competition and you can treat them as comrades and you can genuinely celebrate their successes
• personal grudges vs righteous indignation
• anger is a form of communication—> not the best way to communicate as there are many other more effective ways
• getting angry with something is different from using anger as a communication tool
• do not demonstrate that you are right during a discussion as establishing that immediately give you the sense of superiority and that you need to win the discussion as you are right
• if you think you are right, then that should be the end of it for you —> no need to convince others and make others submit to your "rightness"
• Adlerian psychology—> 2 objectives for behaviour: self-reliant and to live in harmony with society
• 2 psychology to support these are: i have the ability and people are my comrades
• Adlerian psychology is a psychology to chance oneself; not to change others
• life-tasks: work relationships; friendships; love relationships (couple love, parental-child love) we are to work on the life tasks with courage
• life lies —> the other parties are the problem and there are nothing we can do —> that's escaping from life-tasks
• courage is needed to overcome life lies and work on life tasks
• one must not seek recognition from others as you do not want others to live your life
• separation of tasks -> everyone does his own task and parent especially should avoid trying to do your children tasks as that is the root of conflicts
• not doing other's task does not mean not caring what is happening to the person — it is just not intruding. let the person know you are there to help if required and it is up to the person to do his task in his own way and pace
• separation of tasks allow for individual freedom
• freedom is being disliked by other people, unconcerned with what others think, never be recognised by others —> freedom is not being afraid of all the above —> it is not that you want to be disliked, it is that you do not mind it
• you are the one who hold the interpersonal relationship card -> as long as you understand this, you have the ability to do something about the relationship-> your task is to repair the relationship and whether or not the other party picks up the offer is up to him and it is his task, not yours
• smallest unit of community is between 2 person and each person to make a switch from attachment to self (self interest) to concern for the other, and the other is your comrade
• a way of living in which one is constantly troubled by how one is seen by others is a self-centred lifestyle
• you belong to the community by actively committed to it, and simply by being there —> you are committed to separation of tasks, you think of what you can do for your comrades in the community (but not doing their tasks)
• living in fear of one's relationships falling apart is an unfree way to live, in which one is living for other people
• parent-child relationship—> sticks and carrots are the same thing as both are vertical relationship (superior to inferior)
• child who are being praised when he was growing up will continue to seek recognition from others and thus become unfree as he lives his life for others
• a healthy relationship will be a horizontal one (after separation of tasks, accept each other's differences and then build equal horizontal relationships, encouragement and gratitude is given and not praise or rebuke)
• it is only when the person is able to feel that he has worth that he can possess courage
• only when one is able to feel "I am beneficial to the community" (subjective view) that one can have a true sense of one's worth
• look at the other person not at the level of his acts but his mere existence
• switch from self interest to social interest —> self acceptance, confidence in others and contribution to others
• not self affirmation but self acceptance
• basis of interpersonal relationships is not founded on trust but in confidence—> trust has set conditions while confidence does not
• unconditional confidence is a mean for making your interpersonal relationship better and allow for horizontal relationships
• the courage to be normal
• if life is a line leading from point A to point B (glorious finishing), then what happen if we don't get to B? the whole life will be a lost case of en route?
• if we see life as many dots of NOW, then we are always in the NOWs, like dancing (no target end point) and life will be a enjoyable long dance
• it's only because we cast a dim light on our life that we are able to see our past and think we can see our future; if we live our NOW under bright spotlight, we will not be able to see the past or future as we are absorbed in the current
• see someone's life as many moments rather than a line
• dance along with bright moments and live earnestly (not too seriously)
• living life earnestly and life is always complete, whenever it ends
• life in general has no meaning, it is up to each individual to assign his own meaning
• you change the world by changing yourself —> change your perspective and the world will look differently